


There's No Me Without You

by lolokay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I'm really sorry, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, drug overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2013-08-24
Packaged: 2017-12-24 13:30:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/940541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolokay/pseuds/lolokay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Kills Himself</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's No Me Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wrote this and I'm actually so sorry.

_Dear Louis,_

_First off, I’m so sorry._

This is it, he’s going to do it. He’s got a bottle of little white pills in one hand and a razor blade in the other. It’s going to be messy. He hopes Louis doesn’t have to clean it up.

_I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I felt like this. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you. But you’ve gotta understand, Lou. They won’t shut up. These voices keep telling me how wrong I am, how bad I am, how you could never ever love someone like me. I couldn’t tell you, Lou. You’d think I was crazy. Only crazy people hear voices in their own heads._

He sets down the pills and the blade and goes to the kitchen to retrieve a huge glass of water. His shirt rides up when he reaches in the cupboard, revealing row upon row of pink and red scars on his pale hipbones. It’s been a year since he could wake up in the morning and not have someone inside him telling him to hurt himself, to slash open his skin because he’s bad and he’s wrong and he doesn’t deserve any of this. The fame, the money, especially not his beautiful Louis. None of it.

_I just took the pills and I don’t feel anything. I took a whole bottle, swallowed 5 or 6 at a time so that I could get them all down faster. There were 30. I hope this doesn’t take too long. You’re due home in an hour and I don’t want you to see me die._

He thought it would work immediately. He thought he’d just take the pills and in a few moments he wouldn’t be there anymore. But everything’s working in stages and it’s taking quite a bit longer that he expected. His vision’s only just began to get fuzzy when he picks up the razor in his right and and slices a straight line from his left elbow to his wrist, nice and deep and the blood blooms across his skin as soon as he pulls the sharp metal away. He makes one to match on his other arm, then another on the left and another and another and soon he’s got four gashes on each of his arms and there’s blood on the floor and his hands are shaking and he’s woozy and dizzy and he thinks he might throw up but he swallows it down because he can’t just go through all this for nothing.

_There’s a lot of blood, Lou. A lot a lot a lot of it. I can’t think so well anymore, I’m sorry if the rest of this doesn’t make much sense. But my head’s just so heavy and it’s finally quiet._

He doesn’t let himself lay down and close his eyes like he wants to. There are things he needs to say, things that need to be put in this letter so that Louis knows why this happened, so that Louis knows what to do when he’s gone, so that Louis knows he loves him.

_When I’m gone, please take care of mum and Gemma. And take care of yourself, too, Lou. I know sometimes you feel bad and sometimes you don’t love yourself very much but please don’t feel like that when I’m not here every day to tell you how pretty you are. You’re so, so pretty, Louis. So, so beautiful. I love you so much, sweetheart. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you thought I was. I’m so sorry._

He can hardly keep his eyes open when he hears the front door open and slam shut and a muffled “Harry, I’m home baby!” from the kitchen. He glances at the bathroom door to make sure it’s locked. It is.

_Lou, I can hear you in the house. You’re calling for me. But I can’t find my mouth right now and I can hardly write this. I need to wrap it up because I think I’m nearly gone. I’m not going to be here much longer. But please, Lou, even if you forget what color my eyes are or what my voice sounds like when I’m sleepy, please don’t forget that I love you. I love you so much and I’ll be watching you from wherever I’m going. I’ll wait for you. Please make me wait a really long time. I’d wait for you forever Louis. I’ve never loved someone like I love you. It’s a forever and ever kind of love. I’m sorry to be leaving you after only three years. I’m sorry we didn’t get enough time together. But it’s better this way. You won’t have to coax me out of bed now when I have a bad morning, won’t have to be woken up at ungodly hours when my nightmares make me yell, I won’t be sucking the light out of your eyes anymore. Don’t you see, Lou? With me finally gone you can be happy. You could be so happy, Louis._

There’s knocking on the bathroom door and slightly-panicked little ‘Harry’s spilling from Louis’ mouth that Harry can’t hear anymore. He’s too far gone.

_Be happy for me, yeah? And know that I love you. That’s all I want. I’m going to be gone very soon. I can feel it dragging me under Lou. I’m so sorry._

_I love you._

_Harry._

Half a minute after Harry loses consciousness, the door flies open under the force of Louis’ shoulder.

A full minute after Harry loses consciousness, Louis is screaming, yelling for Harry to “Come back! Come back, Hazza, come back! My baby, my baby, my boy, please come back!”

He isn’t even breathing anymore, his pulse racing to a stop as Louis gathers him in his arms and kisses his now-blue lips, trying to bring him back. He kisses him over and over, even though he’s kissing a corpse and it’s not going to work, because he can’t be dead. He can’t possibly be dead.

Louis’ covered in blood and the tears keep blocking his vision as he reads the note that was laying next to Harry’s mop of curls when he walked. He can’t bring himself to push Harry’s body off of his lap because that would feel like giving up, that would feel like Harry was really gone, and he isn’t gone. He isn’t.

When he finishes the note he begins to scream at the body in his arms. “Harry, you idiot! You god damn idiot! Why did you leave me?! Why didn’t you tell me, why didn’t you let me help you?! How could you expect me to ever be happy with this?! There is no me without you!”

When Louis finally gets up it’s been five hours and he’s cried and screamed himself into exhaustion, never once letting go of Harry. His sweet, darling Harry who was so obviously sick and so obviously scared and who could’ve been saved if Louis had just opened his fucking eyes.

When Louis finally gets up he goes straight to the closet in he and Harry’s bedroom and withdraws a black metal case from the top shelf, carting it back to the bathroom and pulling Harry back onto his lap before carefully opening the top.

Inside the case is a loaded handgun that he and Harry bought for self-defense around three months ago. He gingerly takes it out of it’s foamy encasing and makes sure that the safety is off.

He puts it in his mouth, pushing it against the roof and aiming it towards the middle of his head.

As he pulls the trigger, he’s aware for only a moment of how much it _hurts_ before there’s a blinding light and then there’s big green eyes and chocolate curls and everything that surrounds Louis is so _beautiful_ but all he can see is his boy, standing right in front of him with an odd mixture of disappointment and happiness on his face.

“Didn’t I tell you to make me wait a really long time?” Harry’s voice sounds like low bells and it’s so beautiful that Louis has to take a moment to catch his breath before he answers.

“Yeah, well, I was never all that great at taking orders, was I?” Louis gives him a small smirk before returning to his serious expression. “You should’ve known I would’ve been close behind you, Harry.”

Harry smiles sadly and shakes his head “I don’t understand why, though.”

“Oh, Hazza. I thought you knew. There is no me without you.”

**Author's Note:**

> What the hell did I do?


End file.
